Fitting In vs. Fulfillment: The Midlife "Awakening"

In the first half of life, many of us are driven by external motivations, approval, achievement, status, and the desire to fit into societal norms. We climb the proverbial ladder, believing that reaching the top will bring us contentment. Yet, for many, there comes a moment of reckoning, often in midlife, when we pause to assess whether the ladder we’ve climbed is, in fact, leaning against the right wall.

Richard Rohr, in his amazing book The Second Mountain, describes this shift as a movement from the first mountain of life, centered on ego, ambition, and social conformity, to the second mountain, where purpose, values, and fulfillment take precedence. The realization that fitting in does not equate to fulfillment can be jarring. It often manifests as a season of disillusionment or even crisis, where the structures and identities that once defined us no longer hold meaning.

This period of transition, sometimes called the doldrums of midlife, is unsettling but perhaps necessary. It strips away illusions, forcing us to confront the difference between a life that merely looks successful and one that is deeply meaningful. Many find themselves asking: Whose life have I been living? What truly matters to me? How can I align my life with my soul’s longing?

The answers to these questions often lead us to the second stage of life, a life anchored in purpose, authenticity, and intrinsic values. Unlike the fleeting happiness of external validation or pleasurable experiences, this fulfillment is quieter, deeper, and more sustaining. It is not about seeking momentary highs but rather about answering the call of our true self.

Fulfillment is found not in fitting in but in belonging, to oneself, to a community, to a purpose larger than personal gain. It is in this second stage that we begin to understand happiness not as a pursuit but as a byproduct of living a life that resonates with our core values.

For some, this means embracing creativity or service. For others, it involves deepening relationships or committing to causes that transcend personal ambition. The common thread is that fulfillment arises when we shift from external success to internal alignment, from what society expects of us to what our soul whispers is true.

If you find yourself in the in-between, adrift between the first and second mountains, know that you are not lost; you are becoming. It could be that discomfort of transition is the birthplace of authenticity. The invitation is not to despair but to lean in, to listen, and to trust that beyond the void lies a life richer, deeper, and more meaningful than the one left behind.

Because true happiness is not about fitting in. It is about becoming who we were always meant to be.